allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
