now i know why i became what i already was.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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