i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
