Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
