Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
