if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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