Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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