maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
