i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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