K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
