who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
