Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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