I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
