So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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