Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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