checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
