dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
