I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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