Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
