I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
