I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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