its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
