Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
