So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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