I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
