I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
