The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
