Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
