a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
