Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
