we're chasing vodka with high fives
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
