Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
