sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize