my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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