And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
