Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
