I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
