can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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