I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
