I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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