i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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