i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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