i already hear my dad disowning me
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
