i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize