I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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