I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
