i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
