My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
