Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
