I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
