"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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