I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Your penis caused this!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
