i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
