I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize