happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
