walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
