quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
