Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
