Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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