Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
