Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
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