Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
